its worth it

Six years that I've been in providence. I'm looking out our window right now and watching the snow flurries disappear on the street. When I was in college I came into Providence on the bus as my escape from the ordinary. There was something so mysterious and romantic about this city. I found who I am through those time of independence.

And obviously I found my husband and daughter too.

She's so helpless and huge! We were looking at her this morning saying 'where did our little baby go!? She's been replaced by this gooing, laughing, girl-sounding, head holding adult' well ok not an adult, but it won't be long! I say girl-sounding because prior to a week or so ago, Annie sounded like a non-gendered baby. The goos were the same as any baby. But NOW we have this baby girl who makes the loudest, most high-pitched screams and laughs. I actually caught her saying "ha ha hee" yesterday. I can't wait for a full blown laugh from this kid.

Oh and then you get moments like this morning when she woke Josh and I up to her making an angry grunting sound. It went on for a couple minutes then I say "a boo" --which is her favorite thing to do now. She'll say "a boooo, a bbbbbb..." and blow a million bubbles out of her tiny little slippery lips. So I say "a boo" and I hear the angry grunting stop and a little voice say "a boo" back to me. No bubbles or anything just a simple "a boo"

Those are the moments, I'm telling you, that just make you melt. Yes the sleepless nights at the beginning are incredibly arduous! Tiring on all fronts, mentally, emotionally and of course physically. And yes its exceptionally frustrating when she's so exhausted that rather than fall asleep she just cries. BUT its worth it. And i can honestly and wholeheartedly say that with a smile on my face and in my heart. And hey, how many truly meaningful things in life are easy? Think about it friendship, marriage... any relationship we have w/ another person is challenging at times... or at least it should be. Conflict for example is what brings depth and meaning to relationships.

I sincerely think things babies --in their many hats from crying baby to lovely baby-- bring depth to us if we let them. I could complain all day long about how long it took me to put Annie to sleep last week, or i could use the time that I'm putting her to sleep to pray, to reflect, to think about my love for Annie. Is it her fault that she can't get to sleep on her own? no. Is it wrong for her to wake up in the middle of the night crying out for love (and milk)? no. She is innocent and pure and so so helpless. Its not her that needs to change, its me.. my attitude about this whole parenting thing. And it has. It has changed in so many ways--thats why I'm not stressed out all the time. Thats why Josh isn't stressed out all the time. Humility, sacrifice, compassion, love.