too much riding on that...

I wish I could just choose a font on this thing that resembled who I am, is there a font that captures that? I guess it would only be my hand writing... rather than just choosing from 5 basic ones. Ariel it is..

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the window, the books, the plants are there too...

oh and the new computer we had to invest in for Josh... poor old Dell died after 7+ long long years.

On the way home from work this afternoon, i listened to Sufjans new album "Age of Adz". Somewhat unliked among some of my friends, and, I admit it, i had to keep listening to it in order to like it. But now, I think I like it. I have the song "too much" stuck in my head. Probably have to make it my ringtone.

There's a song, #10 "I want to be well", that uncharacteristically has the infamous "f" word in it a few times. I'll put it in lower case so it won't frighten some of you from reading. I read about the album and Sufjan was apparently debilitated for a year because of some random nerve problem. I could relate to this because in high-school, this happened to me. I don't know how similar our problems were, but I know how painful and hard it was for me.

So one day, in tenth grade, my knees started to ache, then my wrists, and my ankles. I thought nothing of it until after a few days, they were starting to puff up. All the joints in my body got this way. Fingers, toes... I remember looking on my feet and not being able to see the bones in the tops of them. I remember laying on the couch and trying to raise my leg up, but my knees were in too much pain. This lasted for a month. My mother had to be at work, so I remember trying to get to the bathroom on my own, just crawling and crying.. dragging my body on the floor. More than miserable. I couldn't' even speak, there was nothing to say, just moan and pray soo soo much in my mind for God's peace and comfort.

After the inflammation was almost gone, and i was able to walk again. I went to the doctor and he said that I was "unlucky" ... and he "didn't know what to tell me" but I do remember the words he said... after saying that it was some kind of arthritic flair up, he said "I'd bet this building that this won't be the first time it happens."

I don't live in fear that it will come one day, though it could, but I do understand the pain of it all.

so I didn't say the "f" word because --well i don't say it in general, but I do strive to be honest to who I am... honest to others...

I want my writing to be honest, my talk to be honest, not hidden behind pretty and politically correct words all the time. I need to express the pain I feel sometimes, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally... I am a whole person, a unity, a being of worth, a being who dances with a beautiful God... letting Him heal me, letting him heal the broken parts.. and the hard parts...

expression can't be silenced... how can we go on purely without honest response to the life we're experiencing?